What I feel… fear

It’s been a long, long time I don’t post anything here. This year was quite extraordinary and I lost track of so many things…

Many things changed in 2014. I moved back to Campinas. My career is back on its track. The family is growing. I’m finally going to be living alone – all by myself.

I’ve thought of writing here some weeks ago. I was feeling really down. This year wasn’t the best year for my emotions. Many changes and I couldn’t process everything yet. So many things I wanted to put down on the paper and I don’t think I can.

I got some new friends. This was a good thing🙂

But I’m still afraid. I still can’t feel totally free. I still think I have responsibilities towards my parents. I can’t put my foot down on some things. So I decided not to share with them some of the things. Because I don’t want to fight over stupid things.

I’m trying to meet new people. I’m trying to do things to see if I really want it. But I’m afraid. I’m so afraid I’m writing this in english so few people will read it and understand it.

I miss my friends. I miss my house. I miss the safety I had back then. I want to cry. Really hard. I wish I could say some of the things out loud. And I hope that would make all the fear go away. I feel it in my throat. It’s hard. I don’t have a close friend right now to talk about it and it kills me.

I wish I had someone to open up, who could counsel me. I wonder if this is healthy. I wonder where I could be.. and what I would’ve felt if I had never moved to Campo Grande. If I had never met those people. If I had never asked myself what if… Would I be better now? Would I be wanting to do all this stuff?

I did two things this year that helped me feel better with myself. First, I said to more than one people that I’m not a Christian. This was liberating. I am not. So, why hide it? I was afraid to tell people and, most of all, their reaction. No one thought I was strange… or lost…

Second, I told my family and friends I don’t want to have children. This released me from a pressure I don’t know if ever existed, but now I’m sure never will.

Yesterday I told a friend I’ve never been in a long relationship. It’s the first step to be more open.

I don’t know if I have the strength to do this. It’s easier to go back home, to my solitude… There it never hurts…

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