I feel tired. Very tired. I’m tired of being asked to do everything. I’m tired of taking care of everything and everyone. At work. At home. I’d like people to participate more, and organize things once in a while.
It’s been a while I’m responsible to organize events at work. And also I’m responsible for everything in the house. I miss people making things for me. I miss the surprise of opening a gift and finding out what’s inside. I miss the feeling of going to a party and not knowing what I’m going to find there.
I get this when I travel. Everything is new at the place because I’d never been there before. Every minute, I discover something.
But I’d like a taste of that once in a while, in my daily life, too. Is that too much to ask? It’s horrible when you know everything. Are the others so predictable or is it me that can see too much what’s happening around me and make the right connections?
I don’t know. Either way, I do know what’s going to happen. One example? I’ll give you two. And they both happened yesterday. I knew I was getting the iPod. And the t-shirt we all got. It was no surprise. And I had a cold, was tired because I went to bed after 2am the night before. And I got back home in the afternoon before. I showed no surprise and people noticed.
I am tired. I try to be positive about everything, all the time. I’m always smiling. I almost felt like Barbie in Toy Story 2 (remember??).
I miss being part of the parties at work. I mean, not knowing what will happen. Just be part of it. Not having to go on a quest the night before. Not having to be alert all the time. Not having people asking me to do things during the event.
I have that at the CS meetings. Even when it’s at my house, and I organize the event, during the event I’m part of it. I feel part of it. At least I feel like I don’t have to work during the event. It doesn’t feel that way to me. Not the way it feels at work.
Maybe because I’m tired of the work I do. Maybe because the last weeks were so stressful. Maybe because I’m thinking so much about so many things. Maybe I think too much.
Sometimes I feel I think too much. That I should go with the moment. That I should try more. I don’t do that. Then I regret I didn’t.
Today I have a headache. I never had headaches until a couple of years ago. No idea why. It’s hurting so much, and the throat is aching too.. I feel like crying. You know when it feels that you tried to swallow the tears and it got stuck in your throat, then you think that if you cry it out you’ll feel much better? That’s me today. I guess this whole holiday season approaching is making my crisis worse.
I usually have this crisis every two or three years. It seems it’s coming earlier this time. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if it’s possible to fix it. As I told before, I need a getaway. A real one. Everytime I use something to help me through it. Last time was penpals. This time it’s facebook. But I’m already tired of it. I need to speak. It’s stuck in my throat. It’s not enough only to write, although writing helps me big time.
I’m going to bed now. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow in a better mood. I sure hope so…