What if…

What if I could read other people’s minds? Would it be wonderful or terrible?

I don’t want to read everybody’s mind and not all the time. But there are sometimes you wish you could. Just for a second. To try to hear what is written in their eyes but can’t come out from their mouth.

It’s frustrating sometimes. And the fear that you are crossing the line. That you are inferring something so unreal, so out of your league…

That’s the problem when you are too rational. You have to think in all possibilities. You never jump into something. I think the only thing I did without much thinking in my whole life was the decision to move to Campo Grande.

Back to the business… what if I could read people’s minds, selectively. Just to check that subject. To get rid of the doubts. Would it be good? Would I feel better?

I’m a Scorpio and yesterday I checked my ascendant. I really don’t believe too much in that, but I was a bit curious after a conversation with friends last saturday. It’s Taurus, considered one of the Earth Signs. Checking wikipedia: “the outer manner is shy, serious and cautious. Taurus risers are the most sociable of the three and are often musical or artistic.” I’m shy. I’m often serious and extremely cautious. Not a bit musical or artistic LOL

This shyness prevents me to explore many things. I’m trying to overcome it, by socializing. I go to CS meetings because I know they are welcoming and I won’t feel embarrassed or left out. I go to the concerts in the park because I enjoy the company of my friends. I’m learning how to use my network to improve myself and help others.

I know I sound so bitter and sad these last days. There are many things happening at the same time. A mix of feelings inside that I can’t put into words, although I’m trying. And if I can’t even write here, where I feel safe, how will I be brave to tell to people?

And the strength that lead me to write all these things is getting weaker and weaker. I already stopped publishing the posts at Facebook and now I’m locking my Twitter. Those who already follow my blog, my journal, know the URL and will come back. But I don’t want to have to close down again. Or write a private post anymore. I already write in english in the hope that nobody will read. In the hope that I’ll remain locked down.

One day this blog will no longer exist because it’s not going to have a point. One day, I’ll have the courage to tell people what I really feel. And not only stay in the automatic mode: “Fine, thanks! :)”.

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