(not so) Random Thoughts

Let’s face it: I’m not a people person. There it is. In the open.

I never had many friends. I don’t have friends from my childhood. I don’t have friends from highschool. I had three great friends from college, but I rarely speak to them now. The only and true friend I ever had is my sister. That friend you can tell everything, you know?

I do have friends, but I’m not open to them. I don’t tell everything. I don’t fake myself to them, but there are many layers I keep to myself.

Recently I got someone in my life that I can call friend. And even to him I haven’t had the opportunity (and the guts) to tell everything that represents what I am. And what I think. But I don’t ask him to tell me everything, either. I let him tell me what he feels comfortable.

I already wrote this week about not being so attentive to details. I really am not. It’s not that I enjoy being like this. I simply am 😦 It’s one of the hardest things I have to fix. I don’t know if I can fix it, but I sure can train myself to be more attentive. At least sometimes.

I have clear to myself what is important in my life. It may seem selfish if you are reading and don’t know me, but it’s basically my life, my work and my family. And in “Life”, I mean freedom to do what I want, with whom I want. The freedom to choose to be alone. Or to accept a company.

My shyness blocks me to ask for a company. My pride forbids me to ask things to my friends and family. I will always try to do in a way that I feel like I have a choice. I don’t like to be cornered.

More recently I got a second friend. I can talk to her. I can confide on her and she confides in me. I’m getting better at this, I guess. At least, I overcame the first stage that is composed by dozens of filters telling me what I can show and what I can’t.

And even with those dozens of filters, I still show in my face what I feel – unconsciously. Some people is better at this and can understand what I’m showing. Some people can’t. Thank God there is the second group! If everybody could read what goes in my mind by what shows in my face I think I’d never leave my house. Not ever!

Yes, boy friends are very different from girl friends. We can have the same level of intimacy, but there are some things you can’t tell a guy. Even if he is your best friend.

I had more boy friends than girl friends throughout my life. Until the 8th grade I thought that was natural because I couldn’t understand those girls. All those accessories, and clothes, and the talking, and the date-talking. I couldn’t understand why it was more important than learning history and science. Why they wanted to go to disco clubs on sunday, if they could go to the park enjoy nature? High school was even worse. In a group of 40, only 9 girls. We never got along. I made friends only with the boys.

College was a very different thing. It was pure business for me. I was already working. I only needed the diploma. I didn’t have to go hard and get the best grades. I could do what I liked. I had time to make friends. I made many mistakes. And I can tell they are friends because they pointed those mistakes out to me. And helped me to overcome them.

I hate myself sometimes because I forget to be a friend. I forget to ask things that are important to the other person. I forget to ask about their day. About their feelings. What is important for them. I regret it deeply after that, when I remember all that I could’ve asked.

I regret I lack the courage to expose myself to the people that shows care for me. I regret I don’t show all that I’m feeling. It’s hard when you realize you could have done much more. You could have gotten more intimate friends if you weren’t so afraid of being abandoned by them. Or because you could feel exposed and fragile in front of them. Why do I always need to appear strong and confident?

Right now, I’m writing this and I’m thinking if I should erase everything and not publish. That’s the first thing that crossed my mind. I already wrote, so I feel lighter, right? Not even close… Then, don’t publish on facebook! I have to. If I need to make this right; if I want to overcome this fear; this is the first step. It’ll be in the open. Maybe the right people won’t read it. But maybe they will. And one day, I’ll have the courage to tell them, directly.

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