I was just thinking… I didn’t write all I expected this year. There are lots of things to write about. Do I want to do it now? I don’t know.
I really want to write about nothing. Today I was trying to assemble my bike (actually, Paulo did it; I only watched), and I realized I need something to distract me. My middle name should be Anxiety. I don’t have anxiety disordes. At least I don’t think I do. But I do love to use chocolate as damage control.
Usually, my anxiety shows up in my stomach. So, if I eat something, it eases the burning.
As I grew older, I learnt how to refrain these symptoms. I know how I’ll react to the known situations. Speeches, hard meetings, performance reviews, tests. I have series of exercises to help me with it.
I was showed this week a different situation where I responded with anxiety. None of the exercises helped me. But I found a new one. I have to do something physical. Stop thinking! And that is very hard to me, since my work is done by thinking. I’m always thinking about something.
The anxiety was so strong I couldn’t sleep for one night. Until I talked to my great friend and sister. Then, it went (partly) away. I still feel the effects, but I can manage them now.
So. I decided to write. Anything. While my mind is onto something, is not worried about the next events.
A-ha! Now you found out why I wrote so much this week! Kidding. I was at the hotel, not a bit asleep, some not-s0-easy meetings ahead of me; my sister packing for her vacation; my friends far away from me. Different timezone. Not so good internet connection. Took me sometime to post all those messages 🙂
Started to think about writing my short stories.
Sometimes I think why I feel I express myself better in english these days. Partly because I practice all the time.
And I love to write in english because then not so many people will read. It gives me the freedom to write. Because I want some people to read what I publish.. but not everybody. And since I can’t say who can read what…
Talking about freedom. My bike! It’s the symbol of my freedom now. I’m sure I’ll use it a lot.
Another side of me most people don’t know: I love being independent. I hate having to ask for a ride. I don’t like to ask people things. I like to get things for myself. It makes me feel great. I don’t want to be in anybody’s way. I hate to impose. That’s why I don’t ask – never!
The funny thing is that I try to arrange rides for everybody who doesn’t have one. Usually the events I attend to finish late. At that time, there is no public transportation in town. So I have two options: a ride or a cab. Usually someone offers me. Lately, I haven’t refused a ride, but I keep thinking I’m a burden to the friends that bring me home.
I’m a very shy person. People usually don’t notice that because I’m talkative. I’ll post here the results of my MBTI test (I’m a ESTJ):
- E – Extraversion preferred to introversion: ESTJs often feel motivated by their interaction with people. They tend to enjoy a wide circle of acquaintances, and they gain energy in social situations (whereas introverts expend energy).
- S – Sensing preferred to intuition: ESTJs tend to be more concrete than abstract. They focus their attention on the details rather than the big picture, and on immediate realities rather than future possibilities.
- T – Thinking preferred to feeling: ESTJs tend to value objective criteria above personal preference. When making decisions, they generally give more weight to logic than to social considerations.
- J – Judgment preferred to perception: ESTJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability.
Explains much, uh? I can tell, that is exactly how I am!
Let’s do it piece by piece. Once someone asked me how can I be shy and extroverted? That’s quite simple, actually. I like to talk to people. I like to go to meetings and make new friends. I don’t like to talk about my personal life. I don’t open up to the people I usually interact with. That’s a bit controversial, since I show on my face exactly what I’m feeling. But I always try to keep the subjects away from the too personal stuff. I usually identify quickly what subject the other person enjoys and keep on that road!
I’m very down to earth. I like things clear and objective. But I’m a very distracted person. I don’t remember colors, for instance. I don’t know if that’s distraction, but I can’t remember the color of the cars of my friends! And names… I’m horrible with names. I keep forgetting the names of people I recently met. But I never forget a face.
The thinking part is awesome. That’s not a conscious decision. But I tend to decide what I think is the logical way of solving something.
I love this passage in Wikipedia:
ESTJs are practical, realistic, and matter-of-fact, with a natural head for business or mechanics. Though they are not interested in subjects they see no use for, they can apply themselves when necessary. They like to organize and run activities. ESTJs make good administrators, especially if they remember to consider others’ feelings and points of view, which they often miss.
According to Keirsey, ESTJs are civic-minded individuals who dedicate themselves to maintaining the institutions behind a smooth-running society. They are defenders of the status quo and strong believers in rules and procedures. ESTJs are outgoing and do not hesitate to communicate their opinions and expectations to others.
Other things that are true:
“seeks logical explanations for actions, events, and conclusions, looking for faulty reasoning and lapses in sequence”
“Seeking to protect what is familiar, Si draws upon history to form goals and expectations about what will happen in the future.”